Something to lighten the day.

[oldhippy]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

 

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

 

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

 

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

 

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

 

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

 

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God!"

[TexasDon]

In a similar vein: An old cowboy, who also happened to be blind, walked into a blonde biker chick bar without being aware of it's specific clientele. He just wanted a beer. He perched on a stool at the bar and order a cold one. When the bartender delivered his brew, he asked if she would like to hear a good blonde joke. A hush came over the entire bar as the bartender responded. "I'm a blonde and I can bench press 250 lbs. The lady on your right is blonde and she's a professional wrestler. The lady on your left is blonde and she teaches karate". "Are you certain that you want to tell a blonde joke in here?" Well, not if I'm going to have to tell it three times" the old cowboy replied.

[AndyHull]

As a once blond Scott, I feel I need to return the jibe...

Q: Why are there so many unsolved murders in Texas?
A: There are no dental records and everyone has the same DNA

... although being an  ex-blond, you might need to explain that one to me.

 

[jdm]

1 hour ago, AndyHull said:

... although being an  ex-blond, you might need to explain that one to me.

Not unless you can show bona-fide non-PC association credentials.

[AndyHull]

36 minutes ago, jdm said:

Not unless you can show bona-fide non-PC association credentials.

Being an ex-blond, I'm unable to understand your requirements... does that count?

[TexasDon]

In honor of Andy and all blondes:

Two blonds were attending a series of lectures at a large nature conservancy regarding the flora and fauna of their area when the instructor suggested a one hour break so that the students could avail themselves of a quick walk to some nearby woods to put their newly gained knowledge to use. The two blondes, being the only ladies in the class paired up naturally. They were enjoying their walk when they happened upon some fresh tracks. "Oh look," said the first blonde. "Deer tracks". "No, responded the second blonde." Those are wolf tracks." 

"I'm certain those are deer tracks" responded the first blonde rather heatedly. "Well, unlike you, I actually paid attention during the lectures and those are beyond any doubt, wolf tracks" responded the second blonde, also with a bit of an attitude. 

They were still standing in the middle of the tracks arguing when the noon train came along and ran them both down.

[yankeedog]

Good to see that the British haven't gone totally metric.

[AndyHull]

Well, when Nigel Farag's lot have dragged us all back to 1926, I'm sure we will all be measuring our cloth in cubits, drinking our beer by the firkin and tugging our forelocks to our imperial masters once more. In the meantime I'll stick with Napoleon's system.. apart from kilometers of course 'cos those are bonkers.

Speaking of which..

Lincolnshire archaeologists have found the grave of what is believed to be Britain's oldest man.

The headstone was discovered by the side of a road that was once an ancient trackway.

Careful examination of the enigmatic carvings on the stone have revealed not just his age (147) but the fact that his name was Miles from London !!! 

[TexasDon]

1 hour ago, AndyHull said:

Well, when Nigel Farag's lot have dragged us all back to 1926, I'm sure we will all be measuring our cloth in cubits, drinking our beer by the firkin and tugging our forelocks to our imperial masters once more. In the meantime I'll stick with Napoleon's system.. apart from kilometers of course 'cos those are bonkers.

Speaking of which..

Lincolnshire archaeologists have found the grave of what is believed to be Britain's oldest man.

The headstone was discovered by the side of a road that was once an ancient trackway.

Careful examination of the enigmatic carvings on the stone have revealed not just his age (147) but the fact that his name was Miles from London !!! 

Ah, jeez! Groan......

[yankeedog]

I prefer fahrenheit over celsius. It's more precise. 180 degrees between boiling and freezing.As for our 5280 foot mile ? the number makes no sense except when you consider that it can be divided into fractions pretty easily, except  by 7 or 9. As for the metric system. I am pretty sure it was created by the French for the sole purpose of being different from the British and Germans.

[Nucejoe]

These jokes are bery bery funny. 

 

[AndyHull]

I’ve just been fired from the clock making factory after all those extra hours I put in. I've always said 6:30 is the best time on a clock… hands down.. Have you ever tried eating a clock? It’s really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.

I was in the Science Museum the other day, and I noticed a new exhibit... the "lying clocks"..

I asked the guide about them.

“These are lying clocks, they tell how many lies a person tells.”

“oh cool”

“this is mother Teresa’s clock, the clock hasn’t moved because she never lied.”

“Makes sense”

“This is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands only moved twice indicating he only lied twice.”

“Where’s Trump’s clock”

“Oh, we’re using it as a ceiling fan.”

[m1ks]

Three watchmaker's were having lunch and discussing their favourite components in a movement.

One said, the cannon pinion. Without doubt. It signifies you're near the end of a successful assembly.

The second said the escape wheel pinion is better, it's such a quirky and fascinating part of the movement.

The third is silently sipping his drink. Well, what do you think? The others ask.

He replies, is there a definite answer? It's all just a matter of a pinion isn't it?

[m1ks]

An old one.

Englishman Irishman Scotsman are stranded in the Sahara and have to make an arduous trek. They find an old lamp, give it a rub and poof, there's a genie, he says I grant you one wish each but only something to help your trek across the desert.

The Englishman says. A large flask of water to quench my thirst.

The Scotsman says, a wide brimmed hat to protect my head and face from the sun.

The Irishman says. A car door.

The other two look at him and say, what? Why?

He replies, if it gets unbearably hot I can wind the window down.

[oldhippy]

32 minutes ago, AndyHull said:

I’ve just been fired from the clock making factory after all those extra hours I put in. I've always said 6:30 is the best time on a clock… hands down.. Have you ever tried eating a clock? It’s really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.

I was in the Science Museum the other day, and I noticed a new exhibit... the "lying clocks"..

I asked the guide about them.

“These are lying clocks, they tell how many lies a person tells.”

“oh cool”

“this is mother Teresa’s clock, the clock hasn’t moved because she never lied.”

“Makes sense”

“This is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands only moved twice indicating he only lied twice.”

“Where’s Trump’s clock”

“Oh, we’re using it as a ceiling fan.”

Here in the UK we could change Trump to Theresa May. For those that have heard of her and don’t know much about her. She is a vicar’s daughter.  

[AndyHull]

Its pretty a pretty universal joke, as old as time itself.

....

“Where’s the {insert_name_of_politician_here} clock”

“Oh, we’re using it as a ceiling fan.”

....

 

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied. A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup", replied the drunk.
How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "Shuttup you $@!%! It's three-fifteen in the morning!

Edited May 6, 2019 by AndyHull

[TexasDon]

A very small Catholic parish agreed with the priest that the trim around their mostly stone church was in bad need of a new coat of paint. Lacking much in the way of funds, they advertised for bids, emphasizing the need for economy. One local house painter of questionable reputation looked the job over and thought to himself, "I can make a quick buck here if I play my cards correctly". He submitted a very low bid and sure enough, the parish secretary phoned him a few days later to let him know that he had been awarded the job. The painter's plan was simple enough. He had just enough old paint left over from previous jobs and would not only mix them together, but also thin them severely so that he could cover the trim with new paint for only the cost of his labor. 

Accordingly, he arrived on the job site with his paint, rollers and brushes and began painting furiously. He needed to get the paint applied, collect his money and depart before a looming black rain cloud dumped rain on his fresh paint. That would wash all of his thinned paint from the trim and create a very expensive problem for him. He was applying paint to the last 50 ft or so of trim when the skies opened and it poured down in buckets for close to 1/2 hour without letup. The painter had taken refuge inside the church and upon exiting and looking up at his now thoroughly ruined paint, he thought to himself, now what am I to do?

Right on cue a deep, resonant voice spoke to him from the departing storm clouds above. "My son, repaint and thin no more".

[Doninvt]

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer went golfing.  They were frustrated by the extremely slow pace of the group in front of them.  When they complained, the manager said, "Those guys are firemen.   A few years ago we had a fire and they saved our clubhouse.  Unfortunately, those 4 were blinded in the fire.  In gratitude, we granted them free golfing for life."

 

The threesome immediately went quiet and thoughtful.  Then the priest said, "I'll certainly say a prayer for them tonight."  The doctor said, "A friend of mine is a top eye surgeon. Maybe he can do something to help."  The engineer said, "Why don't they play at night?"

[oldhippy]

[jdrichard]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
 
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
 
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
 
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
 
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
 
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
 
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God!"

[emoji3]

That is a great joke:)


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[jdrichard]

Three watchmaker's were having lunch and discussing their favourite components in a movement.
One said, the cannon pinion. Without doubt. It signifies you're near the end of a successful assembly.
The second said the escape wheel pinion is better, it's such a quirky and fascinating part of the movement.
The third is silently sipping his drink. Well, what do you think? The others ask.
He replies, is there a definite answer? It's all just a matter of a pinion isn't it?

That is a guy holder


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[oldhippy]

You have been pronouncing it wrong all these years.

 

[AndyHull]

[oldhippy]

I bet that is yours. 

[AndyHull]

£0.99p - BNIB -  How could I resist?